Morning routines are hard. Rare is the day that I wake up feeling refreshed and ready to go. In an ideal world I am asleep by 9pm every night and up at 5am, journaling, exercising, doing all my self-care practises so that come 7am, my cup is full and I am fully present. Present and calm and aligned for the next 1.5 hours while I make breakfast and school lunches and at the same time, gently encourage 3 kids to get dressed, do their teeth, have their breakfast, make sure their homework is done…..
This morning after calling out for ten minutes for my daughter to come down as breakfast was ready, I eventually yelled up that the cat was going to eat her food if she didn’t hurry (not a complete lie), and she called down from the top of the ladder where her bedroom is. The tone of the way she said ‘mum’ instantly told me she had probably wet the bed. This is something I have been dealing with ever since she was little.
Then I felt the dark cloud descend upon me. Shadow mum came out. I started yelling at everyone who wasn’t ready, yelled at the kitten who kept jumping on the kitchen table to eat the breakfast and half made lunches….I yelled at the sink that having a cat wasn’t the best decision. I wanted it all to disappear. And then a thought entered my mind. Just yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend who was telling me that every time her partner got upset and angry with her, it would trigger anxiety. At the time, I wondered if that’s how I affected my family when shadow mum surfaced.
This morning it occurred to me that I was in that very space. The awareness made me stop and reflect. I recognised that I was in emotional pain and was trying to deflect the feelings by throwing them out onto everyone else. I felt my inner child and let her know everything was ok. I went into the lounge where my partner was ironing his work clothes. ‘I just realised’, I said to him, ‘that I’m doing the exact thing that my friends partner does, which
triggers anxiety in them’ I continued my processing out loud, ‘it doesn’t matter that I’m feeling terrible’, it just matters that I’m being irresponsible with my emotions and spilling them onto you guys’. ‘Yep’ my partner agreed. The reflection instantly made me feel sick. And in that moment I felt the weight of the impact of my bad moods.
‘Ah it’s so confronting!’ I wailed. ‘Being in relationship with people you love is so hard, because you can hurt them. This is why I never used to be in relationships, I would watch my friends hurting the ones they loved and think, I might be hurting myself, but at least I’m not hurting anyone’
I went and sat with the kids. My daughter was anxiously trying to make sure the kitten was ok after I had yelled at her for being at the table. ‘You can’t be mean to Scarlet!’ she cried as she tried to pat her. ‘I know’ I said ‘I’m sorry. I’ll do better’
We all have a shadow mother inside of us. She shows up for different reasons, and in different expressions, depending on the experiences we have had as children. She is dark and consuming, a black cloud that wants to hurt everything in its path. Dig a little deeper and you will find a hurt little child, trying to communicate her fear and pain. Something has just pulled on her, she doesn’t like it and she is trying to let you know. The process of healing these parts of us is two-fold. Firstly, recognising that although she will make it feel more important, the most important thing is understanding that you are hurting people you love. Secondly, she is needing your love and attention. So give it to her. As my partner was leaving for the day, I suddenly knew I needed one of his magical healing hugs; so I asked. As we hugged, I felt all the pain of my inner child come to the surface. I felt all of the pain of knowing the impact that I can sometimes have on people I love. I let my tears come, along with the hurt and breathed it out. She just wanted to be acknowledged.