My daughter is 8 and a half years old.
I have three children but she is my first. She is also my greatest teacher. And by that, I mean she challenges me to the edge of what I think I can handle as a mother and beyond. When I am in my bigger picture curious space, I see that part of her role is to help me to heal the pain I am still carrying in my body. In doing so I will see her and not the feelings I project onto her whenever I feel triggered. Lately, I had been observing my reactions and wondered why it felt so awful to me whenever she resisted routine. I have looked at my response to her a lot over the years, aware that there must be something for me to get, otherwise it wouldn’t make me feel so infuriated, so out of control, whenever she ignored me or simply refused to do what she needed to do to. It’s not that my partner didn’t get frustrated, but I was aware my response had always come from a deeply triggered place. And I had never been able to get to the core of it.
Last night in bed with my partner, I brought it up. I was in a curious space and he asked the question. How does it make you feel?
‘Frustrated. Worse than frustrated. What’s that word for beyond frustrated?’ We couldn’t think of it. We kept digging and I landed on feeling completely powerless. And that powerlessness made me angry. I didn’t want to feel powerless. It makes my insides panic, it wasn’t safe and it definitely was not acceptable coming from my daughter.
‘When do you first remember feeling powerless?
My mind flashes to the familiar memory of me at 4 years old, new to school, little for my age, doll cute and painfully innocent. Two girls from year 2 lure me into a friendship with them with the promise of fruit balls from the canteen as one of their mums works there. How can I resist. But the grip on my wrist is too tight and something about the situation provokes a gnawing anxiety deep inside my tummy. The next memory, I am locked in the toilet and only allowed out once I have done a poo. I am terrified. I don’t need to do a poo. I feel completely trapped and powerless. Next memory, I am outside the toilet block crying and my friend is worriedly telling them she doesn’t think I want to play with them anymore
‘Of course she does, don’t you?’ One of the year 2 girls ask.
I say nothing. I have been trained to believe that you don’t upset people for people pleasing is already hardwired into my being.
Next memory I am standing next to my teacher, Miss Putt. She has her arms around my shoulders and is talking harshly to the girls in front of her
‘Shame on you two for picking on a girl so much smaller than you!’
I am sobbing. I have been saved but I unconsciously promise myself I will spend the rest of my life making sure I am never put in that position again.
Fast forward and I am a mother of a feisty and strong willed girl whose nos’ are so confident, they trigger the same powerless feeling inside me. And the bigger she gets, the less control I have over getting her to do what she needs to do.
When I feel into the actual communication behind my internal response, it is something like this;
‘Don’t you dare remind me of my powerlessness! You are not allowed to be like this! I will not help you in your upset and vulnerability that I have cause in yelling at you because no one was there for me! ’
The phenomenon of the mother daughter relationship is that mothers believe on an unconscious level that their daughters are an extension of them. That they are part of them. Without awareness, and without healing their own past traumas, this can lead to unhealthy and potentially damaging projection as I have done with my own daughter. Following the thread of the trigger can help to bring awareness and healing to ourselves so that we stop projecting onto our daughters and begin to see them as they are.
At the present, I am consciously working with my inner four year old to let her release the fear and pain, while giving her lots of love, hugs and compassion. And having the repair conversations with my daughter to acknowledge that I have hurt her and let her know that it has never been about her. It is not easy work but it is powerful work and I am often in awe at the huge shifts that occur in myself and my relationships when I allow to myself to be curious and go inwards. I am already aware of how my heart feels more expanded towards my daughter and the desire to hug her and let her know I love her is obvious and genuine. It is a beautiful and rewarding journey.